Whenever I get a creepy comment or experience sexual harassment online, one of the first responses is invariably, “Where do you find these guys?” Since this shifts the burden onto my shoulders, it irks the hell out of me. It’s an innocent enough comment for the most part. I get that, which is why I don’t go on the attack despite having the blame pointed directly back at me. Like I go to the ‘Creep Cafe’ and ask “How soon can you start?”

The problem with this line of questioning is that it is a form of victim blaming. Women are harassed, stalked, belittled, beaten, shamed, raped and murdered every fucking day, and people still ask me where I find these assholes. Guess what? I don’t. They find me, along with countless others. They are out there in abundance, always have been. All the internet does is bring them into one place and gives you the ability to screen cap their fuckery.

This relates to a bigger problem that has been bugging me since the Cosby case took center stage (finally). Side note: All of those Cosby jokes are still rape jokes. If you think you don’t know someone personally who has been sexually assaulted and/or raped, you’re wrong. Period. End of debate. Look one of them in the eye and tell these jokes, you fucking hack. We don’t all talk about it because we’re not comfortable. Why don’t we tell you? Look at how you handle it and how easily you reduce something like rape to a joke, and then laugh at our expense. And if you’re posting rape jokes, we sure as shit aren’t going to confide in you. Jesus Fucking Christ, look how complicit you are in perpetuating rape culture. Sorry douche canoe MRAs, rape culture is a very real thing, and all of the jerks still denying it just go that much further to prove its existence. How do you like them apples?

About to get very personal here, but I never once considered reporting my rape. Never. Once. I had not been drinking, but it was our 4th date. I went to his apartment for sex. He said something disgusting, not about me but a deal breaker nonetheless, and I got up to leave. I never made it to the front door, and I completely froze which means I did not fight back. I still said no. I remember it being so surreal because I literally could not believe that it was happening to me. It didn’t last long, then I bolted for the door while he calmly sat back and lit a cigarette. I didn’t even talk about it for weeks but simply pretended it didn’t happen (until I broke down) because deep down I thought it was my fault. Hell, I had already been programmed by society at large to believe that it was somehow my fault. So there’s that.

I also never considered reporting because I knew the stats and that it was an uphill battle. Less than 0.06% of rapists (source from RAINN.org) ever spend a single night in jail. And the unreported rapes? We will never be able to accurately measure that level of unspoken heartbreak. The number of #WhyWomenDontReport and #MeToo hashtags is staggering. It’s sickening. It’s almost too much to bear. It’s also the world we live in.

I wasn’t strong enough for the fight at the time. And for what? Probably nothing, so I did nothing. I stand in awe of all of those who do report and press charges. I question the path I took to this day, but at the time, I didn’t have the wherewithal to even question pursuing it, let alone take any action. I had been broken and humiliated enough. I couldn’t bear the thought of more being heaped onto that. “What were you wearing?” “Why were you out so late?” “But you’ve slept with him before, right?” “Why are you joking or being sarcastic?” As if the last question isn’t a defense mechanism everyone has used. And so on and so on. But why does any of that fucking matter? Why is the focus on what a victim should or should not have done? That is NOT the issue.

Rape is the issue. In many cases of rape, both parties have been drinking. And while alcohol seems to excuse the rapist, it condemns the victim. “She shouldn’t have been drinking or put herself in that situation.” Are you fucking kidding me? No one ever says that maybe men shouldn’t drink because it might lead to them raping someone. If a man says he was drunk during, that’s a confession not a mitigating factor. My real question is why we don’t believe women or why we automatically weigh their statements as less than that of a man’s?

Cosby, for example. He has accusations dating back 50 years (after the release of his first comedy album). He had a set pattern. He had a very distinct M.O. But it never got widespread media attention until comedian Hannibal Burres (a man) brought it up as part of his show. Now, I love Hannibal’s stand-up. When I recommended him to my mom, I said, aside from the fact that he is insanely funny, “We as women owe him a debt of gratitude.” Even with 50+ plus women (50 fucking plus!?!), there are still people holding out. And now a mistrial. So, like I said, it was probably all for nothing.

Trump was caught on a recording saying, “You know, I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything… Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.” Over a dozen women came forward and echoed, “Yeah, that’s exactly what he does.” Yet all of them are discredited, discounted, cast aside, and the abuser is elected president of the United Fucking States.

And let’s quickly look at a more recent event, Kevin Spacey. The victim, a man (at the time of the alleged incident a teenager), accuses Kevin Spacey of sexual harassment/assault. Mr. Sleezebag admits to it, comes out as gay, his show is immediately canceled, and he hangs his head in disgrace (as well he should). Now, don’t get me started on choosing then to come out as gay. Fuck you, Kevin Spacey. First of all, wrong fucking time to “come out.” The absolute worst, in fact. Secondly, the LGBTQIA community already has to fight against the current with ludicrous statements like they are “sexually deviant” and “predators.” No and hell no. Thanks for making that one even more difficult, dick.

Once again, we have the word of a single man that shuts everything down instantaneously. In this last case within 24 hours. None of the above allegations were a secret, years and even decades in the making, but it took a man to legitimize it. And believe me, I thank them for speaking out. I truly and sincerely do. But why does a woman’s word (or several or dozens upon dozens) carry less weight than that of a one man?