“I have dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises. It’s funny to say they are small. It’s funny to say they are big. I have been at parties where humans have held bottles, pencils, thermoses in front of themselves and called out, “Hey, look at me! I’m So-and-So Dick! I’ve got such and such for a penis. I never saw it fail to get a laugh.”

I love this bit in “Rick and Morty,” an alien explaining how our culture is built around the penis. Even if you’ve never seen it, you can still see why this is funny. It’s funny because it’s true. But at the same time, it’s easy to see how firmly rooted in the penis our culture is truly based. And I’m guilty. Everyone knows I love a good dick joke. Or if you didn’t, you do now.

Hey guys! Size isn’t what really matters. What matters is how a woman feels when she’s with you. I think a lot of us have embellished a little bit here and there. But if you’re bragging about length, the average vaginal canal is only 3 to 4 inches. Sure, it expands when aroused. I mean you can push a baby out of there, but if you’ve ever had your cervix repeatedly rammed, it can go from uncomfortable to downright painful. Girth is great too, but if we’re talking circus sized, count me out.

You also can’t “go all night,” like so many claim without getting pretty fucking sore. Not interested in that either. Just thinking about the wear and tear of an actual “all nighter” dries me up. Tongue game is waaay more important and what you should concern yourself with if we’re just talking sex. That can be developed, fostered, and exponentially improved. That’s also how most women get off, needing at least some kind of clitoral stimulation. And dick size? That’s just dumb luck. Bully for you if you got it, but eh… Passion and enthusiasm go a long fucking way and are far more important.

Why is everything about your dick? From the flasher in the park to the dreaded dick pic to commenting on a perfectly simple selfie, “I would love to fuck you stupid.” Jesus Christ. Really!?! (1) You’re obviously already there if you’re saying shit like that to a stranger. (2) Stop using your dick to type out your thoughts on the keyboard. I would never say that to a stranger.

I also realize and have been told by a lot of men, that they wouldn’t mind that. Huh. I wonder why? Maybe it’s because they’ve never been threatened or intimated or even violated by a woman. Maybe they don’t have to think about what they need to do in their daily lives to keep themselves safe from women. So yeah, it would feel a little different and a lot less threatening (not to mention gross) in that case, but then again I can only imagine what that would be like.

Do I expect to smash the patriarchy with my meager little blog? No. I mean a girl can dream, but still no. What I can do is deter men from dropping by my inbox, my status, my selfie and making it about their dick. Okay, that’s a work in progress. I can’t preemptively stop them, but I can and do call them out very publicly and let it be known, again and again, that I won’t tolerate such Neanderthal douchebaggery.

So fuck off with that shit. Like all the way off before I screencap your lame “joke” or your weak-ass come on and share it for the world to see. FYI, I can also forward it to your wife or even your mom. Let her deal with you because I am done with that bullshit.